No Pants Monkey Party

When I stumbled upon an article titled “Lab tech parties with escaped monkeys” I had no choice but to click. The sub-heading “University employee found with pants down, monkeys roaming free” made my click all the more inevitable. Who are we kidding? I already clicked the moment I saw the word monkeys. Everybody loves monkeys. Even if you’re afraid of them, you also deep down think they’re pretty cool. I have a theory as to why. I think it’s because we all know that at our core, we’re just complicated monkeys. I used to think of us humans as monkeys that have done well. But now I see us more as monkeys who took the nice, natural environment we were given, and the neuroses-free instincts we had built in, and twisted it all into an overly detailed, way-too-complicated, emotionally confusing existence. So whenever we hear of people who get to interact with monkeys, I think somewhere in our minds we fantasize that it’s us. If only, we daydream. If only we too could live the fantasy of frolicking with monkeys, having them remind us how simple and care-free life could be.

Now the “he had his pants down” part of the story, that part is harder to explain. Below, in bold, is the full 6 line text of the article from…

“A Georgia Health Sciences University lab tech was recently discovered in a campus locker room engaging in unusual behavior.
Authorities said 32-year-old Coley Mitchell was jailed after he was found intoxicated with his pants down in a locker room in the Sanders Research and Education Building while two lab monkeys were found roaming free, outside their cages, the Augusta Chronicle reported.
Mitchell was booked into Richmond County jail on charges of public intoxication. The monkeys were examined and found to be unharmed.”

Okay, so he was drunk. This explains a lot. It takes courage to confidently hang with monkeys, and release the fear that they will attack you and do mean things to your face. Now to the pants-off issue. Hard to pin down his motivation here. But there are only three possibilities.

1. While connecting with these organic, salt-of-the-earth, simplistic relatives of ours, he realized that clothes are part of what started humankind’s downward spiral into making life more complicated than it needs to be. And he decided to go nude in solidarity with his always nude simian cousins.

2. He was drunk, and sometimes when you’re drunk you take your pants off. Monkeys or no monkeys. Those pants just had to come off.

3. He is sexually attracted to monkeys, and was hoping for some monkey sex, or at least a monkey hand job, from a species so good at it that their palms actually did turn hairy.

Now I personally hope it was the first reason. That would best, because it would validate the whole theory behind this article. But knowing how weird people are, it was probably some combination of two and three. If this turns out to be the case, I will lose all credibility as a monkey-based article writer, and will probably end up pants-less myself, hanging with monkeys somewhere, desperately trying to prove that sometimes people remove their pants around monkeys just because the monkeys taught them a good lesson about life. And not for any other reasons, I swear.

Ben Gleib
Monkey-based Article Writer

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