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Please No New iPhone

The rumors are stronger and stronger that the iPhone 5 will be coming out in about a month. Apple, I implore you, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS! It’s too much. How much money do you guys need to make??? I already love my iPhone. We all do. It does a million amazing things. But you don’t need to update it every year and make everyone feel like an idiot for not waiting to buy your product.

And be honest, we both know whatever feature changes this new version will have were already ready when you were producing the last iPhone. But you wanted to hold off so you could sell us two new phones in a year. And you know people won’t be able to resist it. But so what Apple? Sometimes you can just deal with not milking your loyal customers for every penny they have. Just once in a blue. And if you didn’t have the features ready, next time can you please wait at least two years to release the new one? Just to give us a chance to breathe slash learn all the features of the current one?

I also heard that the new iPhone will have a smaller plug on the bottom, so there will be room to also move the headphone jack to the bottom. Fucked up for two reasons. 1. We will now have to buy all new plugs, adapters, speakers, everything, in addition to the new phone. 2. Who the fuck wants the headphone jack on the bottom??? On top is perfect. You can hold the phone and not have a cable protruding alongside your palm. You can stand the phone on a surface, or in a charging dock, and still have your headphones plugged in. And whats the benefit of the headphones on the bottom? Zero. No benefit. You’re just fucking with shit so you can sell more products.

THIS JUST IN! I just heard that the new iPhone will have something called Near Field Communication, which will allow us to pay for things with bluetooth, as well as power all devices in our homes, including air conditioning, alarms, and lights. Okay fine, I’ll buy one.

Until Last Week next week,
Ben Gleib

*New podcast out Wednesday, like always, on iTunes,, the Stitcher App on your smart phone, and right here at